Yesterday, writing the scene description for this week’s Scene Review for Scene 2 of Hillary Scott’s Anal Princess Diaries, I ran across the least appetizing synonym for a part of the human body that I have ever heard. It beats by a fair margin the previous title-holder, which was “sweater meat”. When I have told this story to friends, they have suggested “sausage wallet”, “beef curtains”, and “moose knuckle” as their own personal favorites, but each of them has nodded his or her head ruefully and agreed with me when I told them that I had heard Hillary Scott refer to her asshole as her shit-pussy.

My only question, aside from wondering if anyone in the world could seriously say shit-pussy in a sexual situation, is why she does not also refer to her vagina as her baby-asshole.

Popularity: 43% [?]

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One of our favorite performers is Jenny Hendrix, and not just because she makes us drinks. We talked with her at the AVN Awards red carpet and were surprised that she didn’t have any of her several personal communication devices. In fact, it appears from this photo that she had no place to put them.

Alas, Hendrix wore clothes (not that she’s not perfectly comfortable doing otherwise), but the ass-tastic workaholic kept her several phones in her purse4 for the walk down the carpet.

“I didn’t want to be checking my MySpace at just this moment,” she said. “I’m going to wait until I get to my seat.”

Popularity: 56% [?]

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We are dubious whenever we hear that porn performers are “sisters” or “twins” (though we never doubted the connection of Ava to Mia Rose or DeBella to Jewel D’Nyle), so we at first scoffed at the idea of Rhyse and Rhylee Richards. First, of all, what self-respecting parent would name her daughters after male characters in an as-yet-conceived “Dawson’s Creek” ripoff?

Well, we were convinced when the breasts of the Richards girls met us five seconds before their dominant-gene clavicular freckles did. In fact, we couldn’t stop looking at them.

“Gaaah,” we said, and then “Brrrarrgh.” It was as if we were writing dialogue for R. Crumb.

We don’t care how they’re related (official word is that they are stepsisters, so it’s OK if they perform in scenes together); we just want them to know we’re only going to get them one pair of sweatpants for Christmas: ours.

(Yes, the joke is that the Richards girls will be wearing our sweatpants.)

Popularity: 50% [?]

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We are big fans of Madison Young, but she upended our cultural sensibilities on the red carpet of the AVN Awards.

See, Young is a fetish lady. She appears, with glee and abandon, in BDSM videos in which horrible, wonderful things are visited on her. That is why it surprised us that, in the space of about ten seconds, she flawlessly executed several porn star glam poses that are much more characteristic of Porn Valley than the kinky demimonde of San Francisco where she dwells.

We saw Young several times over the the Adult Entertainment Expo, and each time she transferred instantly from a bottled water-sipping young entrepreneur to a vogueing bondage siren before the light from our flash could travel the few feet from our camera to her alabaster clavicle.

We think she might be a ghost.

Popularity: 32% [?]

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