Deep, Deeper, Deepest Throat

Posted on March 31st, 2009 in Porn Movies by P. Weasels

throat-1
Buy Throat DVD | Watch Throat on VOD

Imagine what you would end up with if you remade Legally Blonde, except it would take place in a ravaged post-nuclear hellscape, and instead of Harvard, it would be a survival school for mutated children, and some of the courses would be like “Cannibalism 101″ and “So Your Parents Have Died: A Guide to Fighting Off Giant Spiders All By Yourself”.

Instead of law degrees, the characters would be competing for the right to live under the remains of the arcologies where the few remaining genetically perfect humans have holed up in order to subsist on their scraps. Also, Reese Witherspoon would commit suicide at the end by leaping off a bridge and impaling herself vagina-first on the rusted remains of a streetlight.

throat-2

That is the relationship that Throat: A Cautionary Tale bears to the original Deep Throat, which was a light comedy about a girl whose clitoris was halfway down her neck, and who could only reach orgasm by having a man fuck her mouth really deeply. Throat has the same plot elements, roughly, but is much more realistic, assuming that by “realistic” you mean “harrowing”.

throat-5

You should still watch it, though – Penny Flame deserves an award for Best Actress, although she will only be nominated as Best Supporting Actress because Sasha Grey‘s name is bigger on the box, and Sasha Grey could swallow a two-foot salami without slicing it up if she felt like it. Sasha is mostly restrained from watching the camera while she sucks cock, and she does a lot of fucking in addition to her acting. It is one of the few porn movies that will compel you to watch all of it instead of just skipping around.

throat-3

Ultimately, you will be left with some questions, but one of them will not be “Why the hell did I watch that?

throat-11
Buy Throat DVD | Watch Throat on VOD

Porn is Getting Too Meta For Me

Posted on March 30th, 2009 in Porn Movies by P. Weasels

veronica-rayne-2-kardassian
Buy Veronica Rayne DVDs | Watch Veronica Rayne movies on VOD

See if you can keep this straight. Kim Kardashian is the daughter of someone who became famous for being on the legal team employed by a man who was actually famous as a sports star. Her father, the late Robert Kardashian, is, well, late.

Kim Kardashian vaulted to prominence as a result of the release of the worst celebrity sex tape ever, riding the coattails of her friend Paris Hilton and the cock of her boyfriend Ray J, who is still not famous at all, in spite of plenty of chances. Kim and her admittedly almost inhumanly spectacular ass, reasonably nice tits and pretty but forgettable face were awarded, on the strength of her relationships with famous people – that is, descended from and next to them – a reality show, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, that has brought the rest of her family into the public eye.

Kim Kardashian is now going to be portrayed, in a porn parody of that show called Keeping It Up With The KardASSians, by Veronica Rayne, a woman who has been in porn for six years – longer than Kim Kardashian has been a “celebrity” – and is now getting press in mainstream outlets for her portrayal of the celebutard.

veronica-rayne-3-kardassian-box

So Veronica Rayne, porn star, is now getting noticed by the mainstream media for playing the part of someone who is only famous because she has a big ass and a sex tape.

Who, then, will play the part of Veronica Rayne in the upcoming mainstream biopic about Kim Kardashian and her life, in which she meets the woman playing her in the porn movie version of her life?

veronica-rayne-4-kardassian-promo-image
Buy Veronica Rayne DVDs | Watch Veronica Rayne movies on VOD

Tony DeSergio is a good sport

Posted on March 29th, 2009 in Porn People by Gram

td

Here’s Tony DeSergio getting in on the business end of the lovely and newly-re-brunetted Kimberly Kane at a recent Harmony Films shoot.

DeSergio, a Brit, probably is not well-versed in the American trope of giving a thumbs up to the camera, but he graciously obliged (not that that gesture wouldn’t just come naturally in such a situation).

Porn Always Comes to Those Who Wait: Not the Cosbys XXX

Posted on March 27th, 2009 in Porn Movies by P. Weasels

Remember Lisa Bonet? Of course you do. As the hot girl on the Cosby Show, she was the reason to watch, unless you counted Bill Cosby.

I do not mean to exclude Phylicia Rashad, but Moms have only been sexy since about 1995, when the term MILF was coined to describe the swelling demographic, much like “Baby Boomers” a generation before.

I do mean to exclude Tempest Bledsoe and Keshia Knight Pulliam, who were underage and therefore not sexy. No, only Denise Huxtable was in the correct demographic, was suitable fantasy material for the growing boy on that show, and many were the times you thought about her, especially after that scene where she was naked in that voodoo movie.

Your fantasies were better, though. Why has it taken so long – nearly twenty years – for someone to do as Cosby Show porn parody?

Porn teeth: (Don’t) Mind the gap

Posted on March 27th, 2009 in Belladonna,Porn Thoughts by Gram

pornstar_teeth_01
Buy “Oh No! There’s A Negro in My Daughter! 2″ DVD |
Watch “Oh No! There’s A Negro in My Daughter! 2″ on VOD

Maybe it’s because I’m a big fan of David Letterman, but I have always found women with a little gap in their teeth adorable. Now that the government has started eradicating Asian schoolgirls in secret desert labs, could Gappies be the next big niche?

I didn’t realize I had a quorum of personal Gappy interactions until I looked at this picture of the juicy Kirra Lynne and some loser from the set of Oh No! There’a A Negro in My Daughter 2. That opened up the floodgates.

pt2
Buy Hollie Stevens movies on DVD |
Watch Hollie Stevens movies on VOD

And here’s the enchanting Hollie Stevens in my car. Lest you be jealous, she was talking to another man on the phone.

pt3
Belladonna movies on DVD | Watch Belladonna movies on VOD

And here’s the wonderful Belladonna. Bella has since had some dental work done and, I have to tell you, it’s like an already perfect person getting a boob job. Belladonna will never lose her appeal, though, even as she loses her spinach retention prowess.

An interesting sidebar to this is a term popularized by Ashley Blue, sitting next to Belladonna. That term was “meeth,” which is the kind of teeth people tend to rock when they use a lot of meth. No one in this post has meeth.

pt5
Buy Nikki Nievez movies on DVD | Watch Nikki Nieves movies on VOD

Finally, who could forget Nikki Nievez? Nikki always seems to be unfairly placed as an also-ran to Belladonna and Naudia Nyce in the Dirty Gappy department, but you and I know she is utterly devastating.

And did she squirt on my glasses? Yes she did. You can be jealous of that, if you want.