Having it your way the hard way

Posted on June 29th, 2009 in Porn Movies by Gram

bk_blowyourmind

This Burger King ad is dumb.

I have seen it several times but never in the form that one would think normal, like on a bench or a billboard. It has only been sent to me via e-mail and via social networking. From my perspective the ad fails, because if there is anything Porn Valley’s recent HIV scare has underlined, it is that you don’t want to emphasize the word “viral” when dealing with sex.

It also fails because it doesn’t sell the product. If you are that sandwich’s target audience, you want that 7-inch monstrosity going into you, not the ballerina/fellationist. Your testosterone has already taken a hit by eating too high up on the food chain, and now you’re getting cock-blocked by someone whose mouth is too small?

(Actually, that her mouth is too small is the only sexy thing about this ad.)

Finally, it fails because the hipsters and cat’s eyeglasses-sporting trendies will not convert their Silverlakey porkpie appreciation for the meta-ness of the ad into an actual Burger King purchase. And even if their girlfriends DO let them go into Burger King, one encounter with the decidedly non-Web 2.0-friendly counter youth will turn them off for good.

I don’t think In-n-Out has changed its theme song for years, and yet that is where I go when a Burger is Necessary.

But you gotta admit she has a pretty mouth.

Pocito Espanol con Carmen Luvana y Avy Lee Roth

Posted on June 26th, 2009 in Lesbians,Porn Movies,Pornstars by Gram

carmavy10
Buy Carmen & Ava on DVD | Watch Carmen & Ava on VOD

What awesome set of circumstances brought Carmen Luvana, born in Brooklyn but raised for many years in Puerto Rico, and Avy Lee Roth, born in Spain, together in one bathtub (or la banera)?

Well, they are both great to have sex with and they were both – until last year – actively involved in the porn industry.

I say “actively” because anyone who once shot a porn scene is fated to have it re-released and re-packaged forever. Such was this scene from Adam & Eve’s Carmen And Ava (that’s Ms. Ava Rose) that was repurposed for a lesbo compilation. And so these ladies will be passively involved in the porn industry as long as the Internet, domain squatters, and 18-hour cumshot loops exist.

But neither was thinking about that on this fine day in the tub, when Carmen appeared in the doorway, saw a slick Avy Lee ‘neath the suds, and abandoned all clothing to be with her.

And, professionals that they were, there was not one utterance of Ay de mi! or Taquitos!

No, when their tongues were in their mouths, they spoke English, because English is the language of porn lesbians everywhere.

My God, It’s Full of Amy Starz

Posted on June 25th, 2009 in Porn Movies by Gram

American Gokkun 9
Buy American Gokkun 9 on DVD | Watch American Gokkun 9 on VOD

If a 2001 reference doesn’t reel you in, how about Juno?

Amy Starz, who delivers the performance of her 19-year-old lifetime in “American Gokkun 9,” also looks a hell of a lot like Ellen Page from last year’s pregnant teen drama.

“You’re not the first person to say that,” said Starz before filming the movie where she guzzled the loads of many, many men – and she was too intoxicated to be interviewed after – “but I’m hotter.”

Amy Starz
Buy American Gokkun 9 on DVD | Watch American Gokkun 9 on VOD

It is interesting that, had Juno only done what Starz did, she wouldn’t have become pregnant.

Abby Winters: Alone again, naturally

Posted on June 24th, 2009 in Porn Movies by Gram

naa1
Buy Natural & Alone on DVD | Watch Natural & Alone on VOD

Girls like to masturbate. You can see them doing it everywhere: park benches, bar counters, while having conversations about non-vaginal things with friends. And if they’re doing it after a good meal, all the better.

This is the premise of Natural & Alone – aside from the meal, which I just assumed because these girls are not stick figures.

With Australian porn outfit Abby Winters, sex is not furtive or dirty or taboo. There is no slapping, no utterance of the word “bitch” (unless it’s a dingo), and no tearing off of the clothes and pushing down on the bed for post-fight makeup sex.

In other words, the thrill is gone.

But what brings me back to Abby Winters movies over and over again is their simplicity and the realness of their models. It doesn’t take too much to make your average fan of porn to respond, so while the camera is loving, so can we be. But Abby Winters, I’d give a vegemite sandwich for a little danger.

Watch Abby Winters movies on Gamelink video on demand

Mikayla Mendez has been here before

Posted on June 23rd, 2009 in Porn Movies by Gram

pornstar Mikayla Mendez
Watch “Land of the Amazons” on VOD | See more Mikayla Mendez Movies

It is easy to think of our nation’s contract stars as having only worked for their current company, such is the difference in publicity they get when they sign on the dotted line. But Wicked’s versatile Mikayla Mendez worked for a number of companies before she joined up with jessica drake, Stormy et al in the “House of Wicked.”

Mikayla Mendez

Here she is, for example, up in the Chatsworth hills in Adam & Eve’s Land of the Amazons. She doesn’t seem the uber-polished pitchwoman she is now, and she also looks a few pounds heavier.

How to say this? It is the same everywhere as it is in porn: Mikayla looks great with the extra weight and without.

“Land of the Amazons” tells the thrilling story of a group of hikers who stumble upon a lost civilization of women who are mostly (except for Joey Valentine) into dudes, including Jezebelle Bond, Naomi, and Mikayla Mendez, who plays their queen.