I stopped watching the Kim Kardashian sex tape after five minutes. The Paris Hilton sex tape made me hate Paris Hilton, the China sex tape made me sad, and the Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee sex tape made me wonder how two people so accustomed to the camera could have such a tragically flawed sense of what might be hot to watch on a videotape.

So I approached the new Amy Fisher sex tape with expectations lowered to the point that no matter how bad it might have been, I could not possibly have been disappointed.

From that perspective, Amy Fisher Caught on Tape is the Citizen Kane of celebrity fuckery. Indeed, from any perspective at all, the DVD has to be called the best celebrity porn release ever — assuming, of course, that you’re not the world’s biggest Paris Hilton fan, or some kind of wrestling junkie, or that you are willing to accept a 33-year-old ex-con as a celebrity.

Fisher is hot for an amateur, with a reasonably well-done boob job and a trim body, and she looks good naked, even if she looks a little older than her years (they do say prison will do that to you).
She also knows how to talk for the camera. Her partner is a little creepy — he seems much older than she is, but the truth is that Amy Fisher is famous for her relationship with an older man. The two of them have great sex together, and I am no longer in a position to resent younger women who go for older men. I kind of like it nowadays.

Anyway, the tape is well-shot, clear and brightly lit, with none of the night-vision bullshit, shaky camerawork, grainy film, or terrible sound that has characterized the celebrity sex genre up to now. With a professional cameraman, the tape would have looked as good as any amateur gonzo film on the market, and better than most. As it is, placed in contrast to the rest of the celebrity sex tapes on the market, it is a fucking masterpiece.

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