Most (if not all) of the big movies that will compete for January’s AVN awards have already been filmed in anticipation of the San Fernando Valley’s cruel, cruel summer. “Pirates II” just wrapped and is in the early stages of its massive (for porn) post-production and Adam & Eve has three contenders in the works, “Rollerdollz” (pictured) and the “Indiana Jones” pornody (I just invented that word) “Carolina Jones,” not to mention “Dark City.”

Traditionally the big studios slow down production in the summer for two big reasons: sales are usually down in California stores and e-tailers due to the heat and, also due to the heat, shooting is sometimes unbearable.

That is not to say shooting is not done in the Valley in summer, and that people don’t work hard. Last July Jack Lawrence shot a movie in Woodland Hills on the hottest day of the year. “The temperature was 119 degrees,” he said. “Evan Stone put on a fig leaf and climbed through the trees to entertain the people fucking outside.”

This is how you know that porn is a job - people who are already fucking still need to be entertained.

Hustler’s “Night Shift Nurses - Escort Service” was filmed on the hottest day of 2006. I was there that day, and people were sticking to the surfaces they were getting mounted on, like fleshy museum exhibits. It almost put me off porn.

Another practical reason for a summer slowdown is AVN. The deadline for submitting films for AVN nominations is the last day of September, so savvy companies get their principal photography done early.

That is not to say that people don’t get things done at the last minute. One future-themed movie that picked up a lot of AVN awards this year was delivered to AVN at about 3 p.m. on the day of the deadline, having been overnighted back and forth from New York to the San Fernando Valley for processing.

So as you peruse Gamelink’s massive libraries (and jugs) for movie choices, keep in mind during the coming heat wave and rolling blackouts that porn stars have sex early and often so that when they collapse, exhausted, you’ll be ready to go.

Popularity: 50% [?]

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One of our favorite performers is Jenny Hendrix, and not just because she makes us drinks. We talked with her at the AVN Awards red carpet and were surprised that she didn’t have any of her several personal communication devices. In fact, it appears from this photo that she had no place to put them.

Alas, Hendrix wore clothes (not that she’s not perfectly comfortable doing otherwise), but the ass-tastic workaholic kept her several phones in her purse4 for the walk down the carpet.

“I didn’t want to be checking my MySpace at just this moment,” she said. “I’m going to wait until I get to my seat.”

Popularity: 56% [?]

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We are dubious whenever we hear that porn performers are “sisters” or “twins” (though we never doubted the connection of Ava to Mia Rose or DeBella to Jewel D’Nyle), so we at first scoffed at the idea of Rhyse and Rhylee Richards. First, of all, what self-respecting parent would name her daughters after male characters in an as-yet-conceived “Dawson’s Creek” ripoff?

Well, we were convinced when the breasts of the Richards girls met us five seconds before their dominant-gene clavicular freckles did. In fact, we couldn’t stop looking at them.

“Gaaah,” we said, and then “Brrrarrgh.” It was as if we were writing dialogue for R. Crumb.

We don’t care how they’re related (official word is that they are stepsisters, so it’s OK if they perform in scenes together); we just want them to know we’re only going to get them one pair of sweatpants for Christmas: ours.

(Yes, the joke is that the Richards girls will be wearing our sweatpants.)

Popularity: 50% [?]

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We are big fans of Madison Young, but she upended our cultural sensibilities on the red carpet of the AVN Awards.

See, Young is a fetish lady. She appears, with glee and abandon, in BDSM videos in which horrible, wonderful things are visited on her. That is why it surprised us that, in the space of about ten seconds, she flawlessly executed several porn star glam poses that are much more characteristic of Porn Valley than the kinky demimonde of San Francisco where she dwells.

We saw Young several times over the the Adult Entertainment Expo, and each time she transferred instantly from a bottled water-sipping young entrepreneur to a vogueing bondage siren before the light from our flash could travel the few feet from our camera to her alabaster clavicle.

We think she might be a ghost.

Popularity: 32% [?]

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