It’s always nice to see a Bettie Page haircut on someone besides Bettie Page. I know that Bettie Page fans will start screaming about how nobody does it better and also blah blah blah, but I don’t care about that. I like a girl with a Bettie Page haircut, but my view of Bettie Page is that she was hot enough for her time but could be improved upon, so I am glad that Bettie Page imitation porn keeps landing on my desk, like the copy of Dita – Behind Closed Doors that I got today.

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Dita von Teese is, of course, the former fiancee or girlfriend or something like that of Marilyn Manson, about whom I could not care less but who is apparently web-sticky, so Marilyn Manson Marilyn Manson Marilyn Manson. Dita likes to dress up in fetish clothing and pinup getups, and I am glad that she does. Even though my senses have been jaded by porn so much that I could not possibly get off to softcore pinup porn, I am still glad it exists – not least because it reminds me of more hardcore Bettie Page imitation porn, like The Reincarnation of Betty Paige 2, starring uberboobed kinkster Darla Crane, who does everything you wanted to see Bettie do, but never did.

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Thanks, Dita and Darla, for finally delivering on Bettie’s old promises.

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Watch “Taboo: Decadence” Now | Buy “Taboo: Decadence” Now

Back when Kirdy Stevens originated the classic Taboo series, starring Kay Parker as a mom who did things still considered taboo today, 30 years later, the thought of the challenge of finding new taboos to exploit probably didn’t occur to him.

And so, just as “Deep Throat” blended into common usage from proper noun status, so did the non-copyrighted Taboo series pop up with various studios, each dealing with taboos of diminishing returns. Lately, Hustler has been staying in the bondage realm for its “Taboo”s, the latest featuring Anastasia Pierce and Satine Phoenix.

Pierce uses machines to fuck Phoenix in a spotless white room. What is so taboo about that? Something can’t be taboo if you can eat cereal off it.

It is fair to say that, were I to introduce either Satine or Anastasia to my mother, the latter would die. So that qualifies as a taboo right there. Even if Ms. Phoenix and Ms. Pierce were wearing sweats and ponytails, there would just be something about them that would instill death in my mother.

So even though many of the people in your immediate vicinity dress up in PVC clothing and kinky boots to flog the hell out of each other every day, thus making what was once taboo seem quaint, it is the fact that it is Satine and Anastasia getting it done that gives us a wonderful feeling of old-school decadence.

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“It’s like I’m trying to study,” Zenova Braden says to her therapist, Julie Simone, “and they’re all moaning and masturbating. I can’t take it anymore!”

Thus begins “Julie Simone’s Sex Addicts,” in which Simone, who last year relocated from Los Angeles and now lives in Missouri, must apply negative conditioning and aversion therapy in order to curb the lustful thoughts of Braeden’s filthy roommates.

This reminds me of a better-executed Jim Holliday movie, in which a demented but complex story is pulled off by game pornstresses. In the case of “Sex Addicts,” Lena Ramon and Ariel X, who play the reconditioned roommates.

As you can imagine, the therapy was never really meant to work. Clothespins, hot wax, and electric zapping don’t seem to help. I’d ask to see Dr. Simone’s medical credentials, but who’d listen? I don’t have boobs.

Watch “Julie Simone’s Sex Addicts” now.

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The company that brought you “Japanese Whale Hunt” is scaling down to the noble clam. Third World Media’s “Hairless Asian Clams” is, like its mammalian counterpart, marine in title only. It also begs the zen question “Is a clam a clam when there’s hair on it?” I am not old enough to remember when it was the style for women to have pubic hair beyond a landing strip, but it is my impression that only when a vagina is shaved does it become a clam. Am I right?

A memory stirs of the term “bearded clam.” Is that a vagina or is that a vagina that is shaved a certain way? And who will teach me Japanese fast enough so that I can ask Haruna Sakurai myself?

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