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What awesome set of circumstances brought Carmen Luvana, born in Brooklyn but raised for many years in Puerto Rico, and Avy Lee Roth, born in Spain, together in one bathtub (or la banera)?

Well, they are both great to have sex with and they were both – until last year – actively involved in the porn industry.

I say “actively” because anyone who once shot a porn scene is fated to have it re-released and re-packaged forever. Such was this scene from Adam & Eve’s Carmen And Ava (that’s Ms. Ava Rose) that was repurposed for a lesbo compilation. And so these ladies will be passively involved in the porn industry as long as the Internet, domain squatters, and 18-hour cumshot loops exist.

But neither was thinking about that on this fine day in the tub, when Carmen appeared in the doorway, saw a slick Avy Lee ‘neath the suds, and abandoned all clothing to be with her.

And, professionals that they were, there was not one utterance of Ay de mi! or Taquitos!

No, when their tongues were in their mouths, they spoke English, because English is the language of porn lesbians everywhere.

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Watch “Land of the Amazons” on VOD | See more Mikayla Mendez Movies

It is easy to think of our nation’s contract stars as having only worked for their current company, such is the difference in publicity they get when they sign on the dotted line. But Wicked’s versatile Mikayla Mendez worked for a number of companies before she joined up with jessica drake, Stormy et al in the “House of Wicked.”

Here she is, for example, up in the Chatsworth hills in Adam & Eve’s Land of the Amazons. She doesn’t seem the uber-polished pitchwoman she is now, and she also looks a few pounds heavier.

How to say this? It is the same everywhere as it is in porn: Mikayla looks great with the extra weight and without.

“Land of the Amazons” tells the thrilling story of a group of hikers who stumble upon a lost civilization of women who are mostly (except for Joey Valentine) into dudes, including Jezebelle Bond, Naomi, and Mikayla Mendez, who plays their queen.

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Buy “Chock Full of Asians 3″ now | Watch “Chock Full of Asians 3″ now

When removing from its delicate seaweed packaging Adam & Eve’s Chock Full of Asians 3 a compilation featuring Jandi Lin, Katsuni, Lana Croft, Mika Tan, Mya Luanna, and Tia Tanaka, among others, I was surprised to also see the names Aiden Starr and Cytherea.

“They’re not Asian,” I said, checking my vast library of DNA samples.

So I determined to see if there were telltale signs of a cultural divide between the Asian performers and their white devil counterparts.

Things were lopsided from the beginning. In a scene from Hot Squirts 3, Cytherea and Lily Thai play chefs who don’t seem to do any baking. But they do cover each other in whipped cream.

I was on this set when the movie was shot three years ago, and director Roy Karch was saying, “I called the agency looking for girls who squirted, and she said she could squirt,” he said, referring to Thai. “But she doesn’t squirt at all.”

This is true, though Cytherea squirts enough for the two of them.

Was Cytherea a second class citizen in this movie? Well, yes, in that she did twice the work.

Next, Tricia Oakes and Aiden Starr join Jandi Lin in a scene from Kylie Ireland’s Bitch & Moan 2 in which the threesome desecrate blowup dolls and each other. But Jandi Lin does not impose her worldview on Starr or Oakes, unless by “impose her worldview on” you mean “fucks” and, in that case, yes, she does impose her worldview on them.

The final scene is one between Katsuni and Sascha. The scene is not from another movie. In fact, it is called “New Scene.” Looks like Katsuni is no longer with her former studio.

Buy “Chock Full of Asians 3″ now | Watch “Chock Full of Asians 3″ now

I guess that this movie doesn’t actually say anything about Asians’ relationship with each other or the rest of the world. Adam & Eve even missed the opportunity to call it “Wok Full of Asians.” Porn always surprises me when it shows restraint. (But then, those Asians are mysterious.)

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Watch Rayveness in Torn Now

I just saw one of those porn movies that was just great with the sound down.

Carolina Jones, Tailgunners, and now Torn: while it’s true that certain types of women look great in 40’s fashion (Ava Rose, Carmen Luvana, and the gorgeous Rayveness), I think we should declare a moratorium on WWII-era porn. Come to think of it, after watching Wicked’s Coming Home and New Sensations’ Hearts And Minds, I think all porn movies dealing with war should be discharged.

Shot in 2005 (but just released now for business reasons I don’t care to investigate – you’ll thank me), Torn is a beautifully shot, beautifully costumed, and very expensive-looking high gloss adult feature that nevertheless makes the mistake of giving Holly Wellin dialogue and assuming that viewers care to get a history lesson with their adult features.

Rayveness is a female company owner whose husband is away (or dead) at war. She looks absolutely delightful in or out of polka dots, as do Penny Flame, Felix Vicious (who left porn more than two years ago), and Wellin.

But Torn is one of those head-scratchers of porn movies that gets everything right but the acting (which, when you get right down to it is, if you’ve got to jettison one thing in a porn movie, is that one thing). And even though most of the cast act very well (including Randy Spears and Steven St. Croix), Wellin was miscast as a 40’s career gal; she really should not have opened her mouth in this movie unless a cock was to be placed in it (luckily, one was).

Rayveness, on the other hand, now in her 20th year as an adult performer, occasionally lets a little belle out.

“When I talk to my grandmother back in North Carolina, the lilt comes out,” said Rayveness about her very faint but charming Southern accent.

Watch Rayveness in Torn Now

That Torn was made in 2005 is puzzling; it seems like it would have been right at home in 1985, when porn companies threw in storylines just because they were still afraid of getting busted. My suggestion? Turn down the sound on Torn and play the soundtrack to Stephen Speilberg’s “1941″; both movies will be tremendously improved.

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