Having it your way the hard way

Posted on June 29th, 2009 in Porn Movies by Gram

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This Burger King ad is dumb.

I have seen it several times but never in the form that one would think normal, like on a bench or a billboard. It has only been sent to me via e-mail and via social networking. From my perspective the ad fails, because if there is anything Porn Valley’s recent HIV scare has underlined, it is that you don’t want to emphasize the word “viral” when dealing with sex.

It also fails because it doesn’t sell the product. If you are that sandwich’s target audience, you want that 7-inch monstrosity going into you, not the ballerina/fellationist. Your testosterone has already taken a hit by eating too high up on the food chain, and now you’re getting cock-blocked by someone whose mouth is too small?

(Actually, that her mouth is too small is the only sexy thing about this ad.)

Finally, it fails because the hipsters and cat’s eyeglasses-sporting trendies will not convert their Silverlakey porkpie appreciation for the meta-ness of the ad into an actual Burger King purchase. And even if their girlfriends DO let them go into Burger King, one encounter with the decidedly non-Web 2.0-friendly counter youth will turn them off for good.

I don’t think In-n-Out has changed its theme song for years, and yet that is where I go when a Burger is Necessary.

But you gotta admit she has a pretty mouth.

Bong Load Girls: Yes Please

Posted on March 18th, 2009 in alt porn,Blowjob,Porn Movies by P. Weasels

I don’t smoke pot and never have. I don’t even know how to smoke pot, but if I wanted to learn, I could get a good start by watching Bong Load Girls, new from Rob Rotten and Punx Productions (which does not condone or advocate drug use). However, if I were going to do that, I would have to pay more attention to the pot-smoking and less to the Bong Load Girls themselves, and I am really not ready to do that.

Not smoking pot has put me in a lifestyle that does not include a lot of girls who look like Jeanie Marie Sullivan, with her scarlet hair and her pouty, bleary demeanor, which is a shame because I do dearly love a girl with crazy-colored hair and a penchant for blowjobs.

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If I were a master of pot lore and a stoner extraordinaire, I would have access to girls like Jamie Elle, who would not even go close to the weird no-pot-smoking guy next door until he put on a Rasta hat with fake dreads and smooth-talked his way into her pants.

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And I would be able to come home to a girl like Scarlett Pain, who spends her day smoking dope and masturbating to fantasies of even more Bong Load Girls having lesbian sex and using her bong as a dildo but still has time to give a nice welcoming blowjob to the man of the house after a long day.

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Oh, for my misspent youth.

Porn Blowjobs: A love triangle

Posted on March 6th, 2009 in Blowjob,Porn News by Gram

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One of the first things a porn actress learns when delivering a blowjob is to look, or attempt to look, into the eyes of her partner. That is why viewers at home can suspend their disbelief for a moment and believe that the tiny dynamo Madison Scott is blowing them.

But here we see the hidden cost. On set today for X play/Hustler’s “This Ain’t Married With Children XXX” we find performer Brad Hardy getting more full body contact from cameraman/director Will Ryder than he is from Scott, all so you can feel like you are the one being fellated in Al Bundy’s shoe store.

So when you watch this movie (to be released this summer), just disregard that tingling you feel on your back.

Bobbi Starr’s Dating Habits

Posted on February 18th, 2009 in Porn Movies by P. Weasels

All these years I have been avoiding unnecessary hanging out in public bathrooms because “you never know who you’re going to meet there” and now it turns out that Bobbi Starr uses them as meeting places when she’s lonely…

Bobbi Starr and Dana DeArmond's Insatiable Adventure
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She looks so friendly, so happy to meet people. This, I have to say, is not how I pictured the atmosphere in the sort of public bathrooms I was warned about.

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I can’t believe I was missing out on this all these years. Thanks a LOT, mom.

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(Images from Bobbi Starr and Dana DeArmond’s Insatiable Adventure)

Don’t Mess With Alexis Texas

Posted on February 6th, 2009 in Porn Movies,Pornstars by P. Weasels

Even though Alexis Texas‘ co-star in Elegant Angel’s Performers of the Year 2009 is Mick Blue, she looks like she’s surrendering in this first shot. Subsequent photos confirm her submission.

Mick must be very proud.