I don’t care what Megan Fox does, as long as she keeps doing it

Posted on June 8th, 2009 in Porn Movies by Gram

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Megan Fox, like beautiful people around the world, is hated for her beauty. The star of the “Transformers” movies does very little in the films except redefine what a high school girl is supposed to look like. Yet her acting is criticized, her forearm tattoo is mocked, and she is often unfavorably compared to Angelina Jolie.

Look at the comments on this Huffington Post story if you don’t believe me.

I, for one, do not need Megan Fox to justify her existence. She can stand there and eat chips for all I care. Hot chips.

Lindsay Lohan: Please Make a Porno for Me

Posted on April 1st, 2009 in Celebrity Porn by P. Weasels

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I am not a big celebrity hound, would not be a starfucker if I had a chance to fuck a star, and there aren’t many celebrities that I think would look better naked than the average pornstar. However, I make an exception for Lindsay Lohan. I can’t explain why – I’ve (thankfully) never seen a Lindsay Lohan movie, and couldn’t actually name a Lindsay Lohan movie, except for that Herbie The Love Bug abortion.

I’ve never seen her on TV, either, so I still can’t explain why I want to see Lindsay Lohan doing porn so much.

I mean, Penny Flame in Spunk’d: The Movie should have been enough, right? Or even Paulina James in Lindsay HoHand: Get Out of My Way.

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Turns out no. The recent announcement that Lindsay could still end up in hardcore has stoked my fires afresh.

Herewith, a plea: If you’re going to do it, whoever is in charge of this, do it right.

No Kim Kardashian-style flummery and jiggery-pokery with eight minutes of boring softcore footage stretched out to an hour of boring softcore footage with editing tricks.

No terrible camerawork – don’t let Lindsay hold the camera like Pamela Anderson.

Just make me a nice porn movie, please? Thank you.

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Porn is Getting Too Meta For Me

Posted on March 30th, 2009 in Porn Movies by P. Weasels

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See if you can keep this straight. Kim Kardashian is the daughter of someone who became famous for being on the legal team employed by a man who was actually famous as a sports star. Her father, the late Robert Kardashian, is, well, late.

Kim Kardashian vaulted to prominence as a result of the release of the worst celebrity sex tape ever, riding the coattails of her friend Paris Hilton and the cock of her boyfriend Ray J, who is still not famous at all, in spite of plenty of chances. Kim and her admittedly almost inhumanly spectacular ass, reasonably nice tits and pretty but forgettable face were awarded, on the strength of her relationships with famous people – that is, descended from and next to them – a reality show, Keeping Up With the Kardashians, that has brought the rest of her family into the public eye.

Kim Kardashian is now going to be portrayed, in a porn parody of that show called Keeping It Up With The KardASSians, by Veronica Rayne, a woman who has been in porn for six years – longer than Kim Kardashian has been a “celebrity” – and is now getting press in mainstream outlets for her portrayal of the celebutard.

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So Veronica Rayne, porn star, is now getting noticed by the mainstream media for playing the part of someone who is only famous because she has a big ass and a sex tape.

Who, then, will play the part of Veronica Rayne in the upcoming mainstream biopic about Kim Kardashian and her life, in which she meets the woman playing her in the porn movie version of her life?

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Nadya Suleman Plays the Porn Version of Strike and Counter Strike

Posted on February 26th, 2009 in Celebrity Porn,Porn Thoughts by P. Weasels

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Vivid, Pink Visual sees your $1 million and raises you…diapers?

In the wake of Vivid’s million dollar porn offer to OctoMom Nadya Suleman, another adult company has their hat in the ring with a counter offer. Pink Visual has put a year’s worth of diapers on the table – figuratively speaking – on the condition that Suleman not accept the Vivid offer.

This opens up a whole new world of exciting diplomatic maneuvering for porn companies to bid for the public’s attention. This is exactly the kind of thing you would think Hustler and Girls Gone Wild would be getting in on.

It is difficult to guess, only knowing Nadya Suleman through her few public actions, what she will choose to do. I suppose remaining above it all is an option, but it seems likely that her need to be noticed will trump any urge to maintain a dignified silence.

And what will she do if the offers get more attractive? Pink Visual’s offer already includes no porn at all – what if, for instance, Digital Playground chimes in with an offer for a non-sex role in return for being allowed to live rent-free in that house with the spiral staircase that Marco Banderas is always fucking people on?

What if Hustler offers her free Hustler apparel – eight sets of tiny T-shirts that say “Relax – It’s Just Sex”, in increasing sizes – in exchange for a denunciation of the healthcare system and support for Larry Flynt’s appeal to Congress for billions in bailout money?

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Update: OctoMom turns down Vivid offer of $1 million to show her babymaker

“I think it’s kind of funny that I got offered a million dollars to make porn,” Suleman begins adding, “those guys at Vivid video must be nuts! Who wants to see me naked? Maybe in a year when the baby fat goes away.” she jokes.

Still, Octo-Mom admits she’d never let Vivid get off that cheap. “Of course, if I have more kids I may have to ask for two million dollars.”

More kids? Say what?!?!?!

OctoMom: Vivid’s Million Dollar MILF

Posted on February 25th, 2009 in Celebrity Porn by P. Weasels

You can say what you want about the ethical solvency of a woman who cranks out 14 babies in two batches when she knows she can’t support them all, but there is absolutely no doubt about Vivid‘s moral fiber. Not in my mind anyway.

The adult entertainment giant that brought you the first hardcore porn appearances of Kim Kardashian and Kelli McCarty has taken its first steps into the charity business, offering Nadya Suleman (or Solomon, or Dowd, or Guitierrez, depending on when you catch her) “up to a million dollars” to appear in a Vivid movie, and possibly more (including full medical and dental insurance) if she agrees to become a Vivid contract girl, thereby underwriting her quest to stay off welfare.

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A lot of questions, not all of them, perhaps, as serious as they might be, come to mind. Like how are the other Vivid Girls going to feel about this? Will the new entrance requirements for the most exclusive club in porn make the girls who are already there nervous?

If Nadya Suleman turns down the offer (or even if she takes it), will we see, in 10 or 11 months, a rash of multiple births starring women looking for a career in porn and a lifetime supply of medicine and fillings?

What will the subject of Nadya Suleman’s porn movie be about? Will it be a Paul Thomas comedy, or something with a plot? If she becomes a contract girl, will she be required to make 8 movies, each looking very much the same but having different names?

Suleman was reportedly already paid more than $300,000 for an appearance on NBC’s Today show, which means that Vivid estimates Nadya Suleman naked and fucking as worth up to something like $700,000. What activities does that break down to? Could she be giving a $100K blowjob? and what is the top money for? Would Vivid require her to do double anal for the big money?

Or is Vivid going to get her knocked up again and make a foray into preggo porn?

So many questions, not nearly enough answers.