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Why do I own several hats from the U.S. Postal Service? Well, Sasha Grey and Flower Tucci own them now, but it’s only because they look better in them than I did.

Grey and Tucci were Sapphing it up on the set of the Roy Karch-directed “Love Cream Chronicles.” The love cream in question was actually pina colada mix, as Nick Manning’s sperm was still in his body.

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Why? Because boxcover stills are often shot before the sex happens so that our nation’s precious porn stars are not all sweaty and bedheaded when the marketing pictures are taken.

And the hats? Let’s just say my mailman envies my job.

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VCX’s new release of the greatest porn classic ever made, the movie that catapulted porn to a brief but real respectability, brings up something that has nagged at me for years, ever since I saw Deep Throat for the first time. In spite of Linda Lovelace’s startling ability, I was always much more interested in Carol Connors as the nurse.

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I don’t know why – it wasn’t the nurse uniform or anything, and it’s not like she was a much more interesting performer than Linda Lovelace, but I always thought she was hotter. Linda Lovelace is no ball of fire, looks-wise – Sasha Grey in the more recent adaptation is orders of magnitude sexier as the world’s most orgasmic oralist – but Carol wasn’t especially spectacular either, even for the times.

There was just something riper about her. Maybe it was that there weren’t all that much in the way of conclusive sex scenes – she never gave it all the way up, and the laws of supply and demand came into play. Whatever it was, Carol Connors whas the girl I walked away from Deep Throat with the strongest memory of.

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Imagine what you would end up with if you remade Legally Blonde, except it would take place in a ravaged post-nuclear hellscape, and instead of Harvard, it would be a survival school for mutated children, and some of the courses would be like “Cannibalism 101″ and “So Your Parents Have Died: A Guide to Fighting Off Giant Spiders All By Yourself”.

Instead of law degrees, the characters would be competing for the right to live under the remains of the arcologies where the few remaining genetically perfect humans have holed up in order to subsist on their scraps. Also, Reese Witherspoon would commit suicide at the end by leaping off a bridge and impaling herself vagina-first on the rusted remains of a streetlight.

That is the relationship that Throat: A Cautionary Tale bears to the original Deep Throat, which was a light comedy about a girl whose clitoris was halfway down her neck, and who could only reach orgasm by having a man fuck her mouth really deeply. Throat has the same plot elements, roughly, but is much more realistic, assuming that by “realistic” you mean “harrowing”.

You should still watch it, though – Penny Flame deserves an award for Best Actress, although she will only be nominated as Best Supporting Actress because Sasha Grey’s name is bigger on the box, and Sasha Grey could swallow a two-foot salami without slicing it up if she felt like it. Sasha is mostly restrained from watching the camera while she sucks cock, and she does a lot of fucking in addition to her acting. It is one of the few porn movies that will compel you to watch all of it instead of just skipping around.

Ultimately, you will be left with some questions, but one of them will not be “Why the hell did I watch that?”

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The comic book/vampire porn “Kiss Attack,” directed by Carlos Batts and featuring, among others, Sasha Grey, April Flores and Sara Vandalla, was a labor of love to make and a labor of love to watch. Love of Sasha Grey, April Flores, and Sara Vandalla, that is.

Here is Sasha in some retro-pubes with Alex Gonz. “Kiss Attack” will be available next week from Gamelink and producer Adam & Eve.

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